I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
