i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
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I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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