dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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