i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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