Tell her she can't have a vagina
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
