This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
