what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
