I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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