i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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