Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
