god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
