Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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