Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
