Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
