I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
