remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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