Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
