1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
be right there i have to get my cape
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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