There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
