Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
can u get pink eye on your cock?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
