well I can't set my house on fire every night
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You're like the curious george of whores
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
