rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I love you. Go after that dick
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
