She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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