kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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