My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
