Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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