I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We are all done wearing pants today
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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