Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
