Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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