wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
