then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
