My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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