when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
