dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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