Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
