I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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