I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
