when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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