You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
