Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
