A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
