Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
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Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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