Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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