i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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