not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
