Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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