Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
