You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I had to cum in my sink.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
