i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dicks are not precious.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
