when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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