My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
