pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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