I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
