My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
