I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
